Merry Christmas

I keep telling myself I am going to sit down and blog on a more regular basis. This never happens, no matter how good my intentions are. I used to LOVE to write, even contemplated making it my career. Who knows what happened to that passion? I still don’t. I like writing but just don’t seem to put the time into it anymore.

Anyway, that’s not even why I started this tonight. Tonight is Christmas Eve. How amazing that its that time of year again. I am not going to lie, I am glad its almost done though. Its been a rough holiday season. Alex’s dad had him tonight and I went to Christmas service. It was beautiful. It was a total reminder of what this time of year is all about.

Now, keep in mind, we wouldn’t have Christmas without Easter… interesting thought that keeps ping ponging around in my head.

We all hear the story of Christmas year in and year out with the holidays… its amazing. Can you imagine being Mary and having and ANGEL come to you and tell you your pregnant?! I would put myself in an institution, in seconds flat. I would think I was INSANE seeing an angel, hearing I am pregnant still being a virgin. Then take Joseph, seriously this man needs more credit and respect. His fiancée comes to him, tells him she’s pregnant with the Lord’s child and is still a virgin. Most men, in this day and age would have RUN for the hills so quick there wouldn’t even be dust left. However, he stayed with her, withstood the rumors and questioning looks, and became a father to God’s son. In this day and age that wouldn’t happen, at least in my opinion. Look at the population of single mom’s out there to start with. Then they travel and have no where to stay and Mary delivers in a manager non the less!! I think we have become all so accustomed to the way this is handled today it seems even more outlandish.

After service tonight, I walked out of the church feeling ready for Christmas. It was if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the Christmas spirit had replaced it. Now I am sitting here, sipping peppermint hot chocolate (my all time favorite) and making bread. Alex is on his way back with his daddy and Santa comes tonight. Christmas is exciting again with a two year old. He sees Santa and tells me “ho ho ho” and every time I plug in my Christmas lights he says “pretty.” Ahh, yes, the everyday reminders of the blessings of children.

Thankful Thursday

Some weeks it seems like are harder than other's to find things to be thankful for but there is ALWAYS something. I am alive, I have my baby, I am moving on with my life, I am truely blessed by the Lord and all the amazing things he has in store for me. This has been a rough week, I still don't like sharing my baby, I am trying to be in a semi-long distance (IE Farmington) relationship but we both work weird hours and it makes it difficult but God has his plan here (see, this morning I prayed for the guidence on how to deal with the distance and if it was really worth my emotions, 5 seconds after I finished, he called, talk about a sign).

Anyway, tonight I was kind of wallowing for no particular reason; just one of those moods and then signed in to check on all my bloggy friends. One of my friends has a cute little boy almost Alex's age who is fighting cancer. You can follow her blog here: http://logicalmommy.blogspot.com and her husbands blog here: http://musicaldaddy.blogspot.com. It makes all my worries and stress and issues feel like nothing. They are so greatful for the littlest things it reminds me of how precious life is. Please pray for them as they are in the hospital because he is sick and its so scary.

So this has been random tonight and I appologize for that; I truely hope it all made sense. Just remember, as we all struggle, God works in ways we may never understand or realize but if we listen, truely with our hearts, he is there and will get us through.

Oh and One more...

Thing I never thought I would say to Alex...

"NO I am not kissing your peepee. I know it hurts and I am sorry but I will NOT kiss it" To which her proceded to beg for kisses and we compromised on a kiss on the head. See... He was trying to get out of the bath by himself and straddled the bathtub side, slipped and hurt his peepee. Yea... that was awkward and a need a daddy momment around the house.

The World Accoding to Alex...

As my son approaches two, quickly I may add, the world has taken on a whole new window. So I am going to post things as I see it that he sees it:
~ If mom says no she really means yes
~ I really have until she gets UP when she is yelling at me to react
~ Putting Kitty in the heater vent is fun
~ The potty is a toy made for flushing
~ What Glass?? Oh this bowl I am not supposed to be playing with that came from the cabinet that I wasn't in?? I better go put it back....
~ Crayons are for walls
~ Its fun to hit my head on the washer and listen to the noise and then run to mommy and get a kiss and go back to it
~ Crayons are for eating
~ When its nap time, its play time and vice versa
~ At mommy's house we have no dogs, at daddy's house we have two dogs
~ I love "BHISH" (fish)
~ Snuggles are good, only on my terms
~ Lets see what we can make mommy say that she never thought she would say...

And to expand upon that last comment ... things Alex has made me say I never thought I would say:
~ DO not stab the Kitty with the knitting needles
~ Kitty doesn't belong in the heater vents
~ GET OUT of the cabinet
~ NO we do not flush (fill in the blank item here)
~ This is non-negotable
~ When/Where did you learn that?
~ Do not eat that (item has come from the floor of walmart)
~ What balls do you want? (yes and all the men in the store around me stared)
~ Do not head butt the clothing racks!
~ Please stay away from strangers, they may take you home
~ Do you want a spanking?! (To which he responds YES, loudly, in walmart and people stare)
~ We do not need to open our mouths to get/give kisses (especially with dogs)
~ Bugs are not food
~ Do NOT bite/lick my toes; thats GROSS
~ Yes, you must wear a butt in public (a butt is a diaper)

Well, I thought you would enjoy my early morning thoughts. Its been interesting sharing Alex now but I am getting used to it. Then he does the random things about and I am reminded at how special he is... Does anyone have any things to add to the "things I never thought I would say as a mother..."

Thankful Thursday

It seems as though, in my busy life now, I keep neglecting to take time to be thankful. In so many ways I feel guilty for that; but I am going to make a REAL effort to get back to being thankful.

This week I am thankful for ....
... Books
... Alex
... Re-learning relaxation techniques
... The Lord's unconditional love
... Friends
... Inner Strength
... Not giving up on myself
... CHURCH!!! I am making so much progress here!
... Knowing its ok to cry
... Going a day without crying
... The strength to accept the things I cannot change and to change the things I can

God's Word

I feel bad as I haven't written in a while but its taken me some time to adjust to everything new in my life. I have moved, learned I can't always have my son (which sucks), and am trying to find my next steps. To elaborate: I moved, bought furnature, realized I can put most of it together by myself and realized how much I miss a kitchen table. I am learning that Alex can't always be with me as he needs his daddy too, it hurts and its lonely alot, so I got a cat (see below for me on that), but I have Alex ALOT and he is so worth it. As for the next steps ... well that will get a paragraph (or two) below also.

I now have a three bedroom, two bath trailer to myself. WOW way more than what I needed but I knew it was the right one out of all the ones I looked at, and most importantly, it was CLEAN. I need clean. It doesn't look it right now but I will fix that after I get some sleep. Its weird being "alone." Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I am re-learning things I loved to do. I remember now I love hot baths with a good book and not having to share the TV remote. I hate sleeping by myself. Its hard going to family oriented situations and not having the daddy there, just thinking about that still brings tears to my eyes. I want Alex to see things normally, he will NOT miss out on anything based on this. Its not his fault his mommy and daddy aren't together. The alone thing is weird for me, I have always had a significant other or room mate(s) living with me. Therefore, I got a cat. I don't like cats; Alex is mean to them, I still got one. He named our cat "kitty"... so I have a cat, who cries all the time, who drives me crazy. What was I thinking?! Alex drags Kitty around by various body parts, puts her in tonka truck and takes her for rides, chases her, calls her, sets her free from the bathroom, and he has this evil laugh as he does all these things.

Recently, I have been learning and reacting and adapting to the life God has in mind for me. Its so hard sometimes, the biggest challenge he has ever given me that I am so happy to take on. I am learning he speaks to us when we least expect it and sometimes we don't understand the message. Othertimes it makes me cry and other times I cry for no reason. I am tired of crying just for the record. There are days when I have huge pity parties for myself but I don't know why. Yesterday was one of them; I spent a good part of the day crying and feeling bad for myself. Then I learned of another heath issue with a little boy whose mommy's blog I follow and it brought things back in check for me. Alex is heathy, happy, energetic, crazy, all these wonderful things; what reason do I have to mope???

I am amazed at the way God has chosen to communicate with me. Going back to church for me was the best decision I ever made. I love it there; its like a second home. I am working on becoming a member so follow me and support me and pray for me in this journey. To elaborate on the ways he speaks.... The bible has a part in it and I don't remember where but it discusses the value of the three phenonmon (IE three people suggest something it may be worth following through with). So as I have moved out, and am trying to move on, three people have suggested to me I ask a person who I will call "One" for the sake of this situation out. Well I am not really a shy person but I don't know how to ask people out. This is a matter I prayed on for awhile, thought I ways to approach One and numerous other things. Well tonight before work I was watching TV and had this urge to go grab my bible and read out of it at random. So I opened it to whatever pages my fingers lead me to. Interestingly, oddly, enough... the chapter of the book that I was lead to read also happened to be One's name. I am wondering and have alot of faith in the factor that this is God telling me to make a move in this direction. Its extremely humbling. I guess there are no other ways to throw something in my face but to put it in writing. Shocking, humbling, something there... any ideas?

More of God's word for you... Church... I am going to start doing children's ministry again. Thanks to Jen I am so flippin excited!! I had a tendency in the past to give up on things I love to do for myself very easily. I am not doing that anymore; I was more than willing to find an excuse so that I didn't have to do something I wanted because of another factor; MY bad. I refuse to do that! I am praying for the guidence from the Lord, at the suggestion of Jen, to start a small group aimed at single moms. I know it would be great to have other women, who face many of the daily challenges I do, to communicate with, to relate with and to grow in our relationships with the Lord with..

These are things that remind me that God has something so big and so amazing in store for me that I have to hit rock bottom before I can really, TRUELY appreciate what it is. I know God has amazing plans for me and I am going to do my best to follow these plans. Some days though, I have to ask, what is ROCK BOTTOM??

Tonight... I pray

Tonight I pray for the strenth I need in the coming days and weeks, I pray for the ability to accept the things and I cannot change and to change the things I can. I pray to stop crying and for the fear to subside. I pray I am doing the right thing and things as each day progresses. God my heart is opening and I am listening with all my being.

See, I know God has something in store for me SO big and SO overwhelming that I am overwhelmed now with emotions so that I can be ready and willing to accept his challenge and become the person I want to be. So that I can be the person I need to be as I follow the path he has laid out for me.

I feel like I have lost family, friends, and so much more lately. I feel like I am failing my son by giving up. I feel like I gave up and I know what I am doing is right; I just need to know why. In this case God is the only reason I know why. I never saw myself in my current position; I never expected what has come out of my life.

The important things are that Alex has a mommy and daddy who love him so the point of no return. He is a happy, loving child who will continue to grow and amaze us daily. God is in him, pushing him forward daily and showing us the innocense of childhood again.

Tomorrow I go and sign a lease for my new place. I am excite, scared, overwhelmend and so much more. I have been crying out of pure fear and some heartbreak.

Right now I am asking for your prayers. Please pray to help me get through this. Please pray for the situation. I know I am ok, I know I will be ok and I know its ok to be scared; I just don't want to be anymore.

Listening ...

Every day on my facebook page I get a message from God ... this was todays: "Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you."

I never realized how hard it can be to listen until recently. I listened to God, I heard him guiding me the right way, I've made my decisions and I am living with them and moving foward. I have been saying for awhile now that I know God has something in store for me so big that I can't even begin to grasp it. Lately, I have been reading his word and trying to digest what he wants and where I am supposed to go next and I just don't know. Maybe I am not listening hard or close enough, maybe I am so set in my ways I need to change that so I can get set in his ways. Maybe, I am too selfish to understand what he wants out of me. I am so glad I am going back to church next week; its going to be a little overwhelming but so worth it.

So today my goal is to spend more time listening to his word and less time questioning what I am hearing.

Thankful Thursday

I bet you thought you would never see me get to a Thankful Thursday on a Thursday ... but look!! YAY for me, taking a small chunk of time for myself. What a rare thing. This week I have some things to be thankful for:

1) God ... there are times when that is the only person I have to talk to who I know TRUELY listens and right now I need that. He works in ways we may never know but I know he listens.

2) Alex ... as much as he tries my patience on a regular basis I would be completely lost without him. He is so random and silly sometimes, even when he tries to bail out of the grocery cart and make me look like a bad mommy.

3) Healing ... I feel good most of the time, thanks to the little things in life. I know things are right but scary and I just accept.

4) My new work schedule ... this is my LAST Sunday I work for at least the next three months. I am SOOO excited to get back to church. It will be so good for me and Alex

My Date with a 1 Year Old

So last night I decided I wanted to go out. Well I didn't want to go out alone so I took Alex. We went out to eat at KFC because, quite frankly, its hard to eat out with a toddler. Well we ordered out chicken and sat down to eat and then he proceded to get mad because I get BBQ sauce not ketchup. So then I went and got him some BBQ and we proceded to eat (very little on his behalf). Then he got up and wanted to wander around the restaurant, a friendly reminder why this was my "fancy" restaurant of choice. Then he started flirting with all the other girls!! I need to teach him how to treat a date. Once I got him rounded back up and in our seats he ate his ketchup and babble to the other ladies until it was time to go. Let me tell you; not the best date but it was nice to go out for a little bit.

On another note: I get to start going to church again on the 27th!!! I am so freaking excited!! I have been seeing online what they are doing to the kiddos rooms and I am MORE excited!! I can't wait! Church here I come!!!

Also, I am reaching out to the blogging world here. If anyone is getting rid of any household items please think of me. I am getting ready to move out on my own and am super excited but need alot of stuff still. Furniture, kitchen stuff, you name it; I probably need it. THANKS!

Thankful Saturday

It is officially thankful Saturday because Thankful Thursday doesn't seem to be working for me. Thursday's are jam packed with errands, chores, playing with Alex, and trying to relax before I come back to work, so its now going to be Thankful Saturday. This week has been a beautiful challenge. I know that doesn't make sense but I have done things I never imagined I would do. First the thankfuls:

• Friends .... I didn't realize how many friends I actually have until I hit a brick wall. One particular friend told me that sometimes you have to rely on your friends until everyone else comes around. So true. My friends have been AWESOME. Thank you God!
• Alex .... without his little quirks I would be lost. At night, every night, he gets insanely hyper. Its like crazy baby on the loose. He runs through my house and spins and screams and chasing the dogs with his tonka truck, he is a total riot. The best part is, since this is at the end of my day, its when I need the most stress relief.
• Laughter .... what more can I say to this? To sit back and have a good laugh is the best
• Alochol in moderation .... last night a good friend of mine who happens to be my co-worker and I say down had some drinks and TONS of laughter. It was definitely what I needed.
• God .... I know he works in mysterious ways and I still don't know which way he is working now but I am ready for it and willing to accept and face his challenges to me head on.

As for things I haven't done before:

• I mowed my lawn with a push gas mower for the first time in my life; I am proud of myself
• Relied on new friends and earned great friends
• Accepted it is what it is. I am guilty of always trying to change things so that they go my way; now I am learning the boundaries of some things I can't change and I have to accept them. Its a hard pill to swallow but its worth it. I don't think I have accepted this much in a long time.......

Thankful Thursday... On Friday

This has been one of those tough weeks, alot of news but nothing significant and alot of stress! As a result coming up for thankfuls is difficult:

• Being alive.... it seems so simple but it is so important. I love being here, being a mom, and even that stress I discussed.
• Honesty ... I am learning to be 100% honest with myself, even though I don't always like that.
• My God... he does things and acts in ways I never know and makes me so much stronger for it.

A Wedding

1 Peter 4:7 says " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

I usually try to blog on Saturday's. Its a good day for me to do so as I work all day alone and it gives me time to think, ponder and contemplate in beautiful silence (hopefully). Its been a good few days; all of Lance's family made it in safely, Alex is trying to be on good behaviour, and I am running on little sleep but I have tomorrow off.

Lance's dad gets married in about seven hours. Its a weird thing to digest: A parent getting married. My mom got remarried when I was 17 (I think, I remember I could drive at the time) and it was a shock to the system. I don't know how Lance feels about it to be honest. He's pulled into himself which means he is trying to cope. He is anti-touch which means he is struggling to some degree. I just have to live with it and take it as it comes.

To some degree this is hard for me too. I always thought I would be married. Lance and I are living together, sharing money, living the married life without the vows and me still with my dads last name. This usually doesn't bother me like it is today. Today, I want to cry about it, stomp my feet, make a scene, and generally act like Alex does when he doesn't get his way. I am holding back. Usually I am content knowing we are living the married LIFE; the faithfulness, love, caring, being there for one another, being parents, all that it entails but it drives me crazy!

Now, many of you who know me, know that I don't mind confrontation when necessary but this is not confrontation worthy and here is why: To ask about it causes a fight. It may not be a big one but it is definitly a rift that lasts for days. Why on earth would I want to live with that? Lance gets all grumpy with me about it. I hate it and its not worth it to me. He makes my life insane for that time until he gets over it.

When we first started dating Lance would openly discuss the fact he wanted to get married with me. Now, its a new cuss word. Go figure. This is one issue that is definitly in God's hands and I just pray and hope for the emotional stability I need to get through it.

Otherwise, all is good and I am taking on the world as it comes at me. Alex is going to be TWO in November. I don't know where its gone and it takes my breath away when I say my baby is 21 months! He is still behind on his language development and that has me worried but I am going to wait to start some intervention with him. They wanted him to start at 21 months and I just don't feel he is THAT far behind. I have convinced them to wait until he is two; who knows what th next three months may bring about. Another item, yet, in Gods hands.

I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday (as you read this, you will see where the stress is coming from). I found a lump in my breast that doesn't seem to be going away. We will see, I will pray, and I will have strength because that it what I must do.

Thankful Thursday

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

As the weekend rapidly approaches; one filled with family and fun, I realize how much there is to be thankful for, always. When things are obvious to give thanks for, we do, but often we forget the little things.

1) For being a mommy... on a daily basis Alex does things that amaze me. He is so sweet and loving and caring. We were walking from Lance's sisters house to his dads house (about a half block) and Alex let go of my hand to run back to get his great-grandma's hand to hold. It was so sweet and tender and innocent. He was so proud of himself. I could tell it meant so much to her and, of course, to me.

2) Safe travel.... Lance's family made it here safely. Please pray for all that are traveling.

3) The ability to bake ... I am so glad that I taught myself to bake. It has saved us so much money in the long run.

4) Life's little blessings... While Lance was on the way to meet me at the airport to get his Grandma, he saw a bed for free (in decent shape) on the side of the road. He stopped and grabbed it. We needed it for our spare room for company to stay on this weekend. YAY!! No more worries about that.

5) Love ... the love my family, Lance's family, and everyone has for one another. I fully belive love should be expressed more often, more openly, and with more feeling than it currently is. However, it is there and it is awsome.

Thank you GOD!

The Father Concept

"For the Gentiles seek after all these things, for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." Matthew 6:32

The concept of father can be interpreted so many different ways. For me its been one that has been hard to deal with. My parents got divorced the summer I turned 13, my mom and I moved across county from Pennsylvania to Colorado in early August so that I could start school here. To say the least I wasn't thrilled. Then we had my now step-dad move in with us almost immediately. This was a huge growing process and transition for me.

Now let me give you some better history on this. My mom was a stay at home mom, my dad worked and made insane amounts of money, we were well off. However, my dad was not the easiest person to live with and he wasn't there very much. He worked long hours, loved to bar, and loved the drinking. I did sports, plays, you name it and he wasn't ever there. My birthday, being the 5th of July, was always combined with the 4th of July and also involved alcohol on his part. Things weren't always pleasant and I was frequently disappointed and had a fear of my dad and the belt. Then when my parents divorced, my brother wanted to stay with my dad and I wanted to be with my mom so it was an easy split on that nature. Then as time transgressed I remember my dad telling me how he helped with my brothers plays, school activities, and went to his events and I became more broken hearted as I was almost 2000 miles away and even when I was there I didn't have that.

My step-dad tried but I was different then his daughter and he had his inner doubts on my level of differentness. Her and I are polar opposites but he didn't quite know what to do with me. See, I am an over-achiever to the tops. A B in school was not good enough, a C was the end of the world, and we won't go to what happened after that. I did cheer leading, speech and debate, newspaper, national honor society, and the list goes on. I had to do everything PERFECTLY. This baffled my step-dad but he was there for the important parts: teaching me how to drive (let me tell you, I will have to blog just about that experiment), proms, special activities (he even judged a speech and debate competition once), tons of girl drama, and the list goes on. But it never felt like a father as I always figured it should be.

Then I moved out, turned down Columbia, and made a bad decision and got way off track. When I started to get back on track, I moved home for about six months, got my feet under me again, and then moved out again. I got together with Lance and he would DRAG me to church at times. At first, I am not going to lie, I HATED it. I was working in the ER from 2-12 and the last thing I wanted to do after a night of work was get up and go to church. Then I started to make friends at church and started LISTENING to the messages and the songs that were being relayed to me and I started to like it a little. Then Lance didn't want to go anymore and I just shrugged it off and accepted.

Then one Sunday in the later Winter of 2007 I decided I wanted to go. I had some rough shifts in the ER that put allot of weight on me. The message that day was about The Father. Not in the sense that originally comes to mind but of the Holy Father. This message brought a sense of "ahh" to me; a sense of relief and love and caring and all these concepts I NEVER understood before. Because, you see, I always thought of Father as my Dad and Step-Dad, when really my father was always there for me. He was there for me in my deepest depression, greatest happiness, biggest decisions, EVERYTHING. He was holding my hand in the dark, light, everything. How did I neglect this for so long?! I remember sitting there, in church, with empty chairs all around me, CRYING. I didn't even care I was crying in front of strangers because I realized that I had neglected my Father and forgot about him. It was at that moment, sitting in a church full of mostly strangers, that I wanted to live THE life. I wanted to walk with the Lord, to remember that even though my DAD wasn't there for me, my FATHER is and was. I walked out of church that day a new person.

About two weeks after I found the Lord to this level, I found out I was pregnant with Alex. How amazing is that?!

Now, some of you who know me WELL will know that this pouring out of my heart isn't coming from no where. It is also coming with a prayer request. My brother fell asleep at the wheel while driving last night. He has been working long, hard hours, trying to make a life for himself and pushed himself too far. I had talked to my dad earlier in the night and he told me he was afraid my brother would do this. Ironic isn't it. I told my brother that my dad told me this and my brother is so mad at our dad. He blames my dad for the accident because my dad never said he was worried or proud. Though, my dad isn't the best with words, maybe my brother isn't listening to the RIGHT Father. My brother has no religion, if anything, he is the opposite. I have been praying for him to find the Lord. Now I am asking for anyone who is taking the time to read this, to pray too. He needs it so badly. I hope he can have the acceptance for the Lord as I have and grow into the man he can be. My brother is ok, he broke his glasses, totalled his car, may lose his license, and he is shaken up and upset. Luckily the person he hit didn't get hurt, or hasn't reported any injuries yet. So again, I ask for you to pray.

Thankful Thursday

This has been a good week, I guess. I am always thankful for countless things but these are the ones that dominate this week:

1) Silence... with a toddler, two dogs, a boyfriend, and the phone I often forget how nice silence can be. Lance and Alex went camping from Friday night until Sunday afternoon and I forgot how simple it is just to take care of yourself and to have no one to entertain. Now I went stir crazy without my boys but it was nice and I was so happy to get home. Only, when I got home, Alex was sleeping so I didn't get the welcome home I had hoped for.

2) Tylenol... Alex got some more shots today and has been running a pretty good fever since. It makes him happyish. It also does wonders for teething issues. Its awesome.

3) Laundry Baskets... They have multiple purposes: put Alex in, push him around and make him laugh; for Alex to push around and have fun with; to use to gather toys that are sprawled around the house; oh yea and for laundry!

4) Cuteness... Today at the doctor the nurse (whom I love and Alex loves) walked out and Alex ran up and hugged her and followed her. She is great and knows how to work with him. She has had to since he was an infant and sick infant at that. She walked in the room with his shots and he grabs his diper bag and clear as day tells her "No, I am going to see the Doctor" and walks to the door. Gotta love it!

5) Snuggles... they are good for mommy's and babys!

6) Most important: God, life, family, and friends.

Bad Moods

Its been one of those weeks I think. Where nothing goes how I want it and all I want to do is pout. Pouting, however, isn't helping. Then, I look at other people's lives and in all reality there is nothing for me to pout about compareatively. Friday morning I woke up with one of those "don't even look at me" attitudes where I wanted to do nothing, wanted to hear about nothing, and quite frankly cared about nothing. That is not a good thing for me, as many of you know. I decided I wanted to do nothing but cry too. Very unproductive. I still don't know what is wrong with me as I am on day three of my foul attitude. I think I need some serious church time as shopping and insane amounts of food didn't help.


Lance took Alex on his first camping trip Friday night. It is Lance's best friend's birthday weekend and all his friends seem to have birthday weekends not DAYS. I'm just saying. They went out to Navajo and had a blast while I stayed home with the dogs and worked. I am glad they had a great time, really. They even stayed an extra night and should be coming home today. As you can see above, he is clearly not missing his Mommy but I sure miss him. I am SOO lost without my boys I don't even know what to do with myself.

I felt somewhat productive last night. I have been looking for a dress to wear to Lance's dad's wedding for about two weeks now. His wedding is August 8. Now keep in mind, I wasn't procrastinating as I am known to do. I thought I was going to be away at training for work and was beyound bummed. I love Lance's family; most importantly his Grandma and I am counting the days until she gets here. I will never forget her face and genuine love she had for me from the first time I met her. It warms my heart and puts tears in my eyes still when I think back to Thanksgiving last year. That was probably one of the best trips of my life.

10 Things You May Not Know About Me

1) Lance and I met on a blind date. On my way to meet him I got pulled over and when the officer asked, I told him I am on my way for a blind date. He told me not to rush because they never last LOL!
2) We got Alex's name out of the cemetary before we even know what we were having. We never could agree on a girls name....
3) I love getting household items as gifts. As a matter of fact my favorite gift from Lance is my kitchenaid mixer.
4) I cry when I get angry or stressed. When I am sad I get quiet... A little opposite?
5) Lance is 6'5"; I am 5'0". Only a little hight difference.
6) At least once a month I contemplate the value of kicking and hurting and causing bodily harm to Lance. For example: NOW!
7) I, also, HATE shoes and socks. I still don't know why we need them.
8) I am trying to go to school for nursing, a two year degree is taking me at least 5 years at this point but I refuse to give up.
9) I don't work a Monday-Friday 8-5 and days like today I wonder why did I give that up?? But I love my job and Alex only has to go to daycare one day a week.
10) I never wanted to be a mommy, EVER. But now, obviously, I am and I LOVE IT

3 Years

On Thursday Lance and I celebrated three years together. Now, remember, we aren't married, but every year seems like a triumph. When I got pregnant with Alex we had only been together 8 months; it was a total shock to our systems but there were no questions or doubts as to what we would be doing in 9 months: raising our baby, together. Its been an amazing three years with hopefully many more to come.

These last three years have been a HUGE time of self discovery. I discovered what it is like to love, then what it is to love as a mom, and most importantly, what it is like to love and be in a relation ship with the lord. For that relationship all I can say is YAY!! Its amazing. I've learned that a person can be all accepting reguardless of the sitatuion, hormal moods, and everything else that gets in the way of day to day life.

For those of you who follow this: I am going back to school this fall. I am taking pre-nursing classes and getting ready to start nursing school, hopefully next fall. Lets keep our fingers crossed and pray that God provides. I am still mourning that I cannot go to church on Sunday
and I even thought about finding a church closer to home (we drive at least 30 minutes depending on traffic to go to church) but the only one I found has appeal but no Saturday night services so thats a no-go.

Its been one of those.....

Days, weeks, moments ... regardless these last few days have been one of those. I guess I don't even know where to start and I just need to cry and scream and yell and act like my son does when he doesn't get his way. I guess I will start with him and a funny story to kick off this blog... I/We (mostly me) am trying to potty him and we went three days of perfect pottying (minus poop) and no accidents. So last night I put him in the bath and being the multi-tasking mom I have to be I was folding laundry at the same time watching him splash and play. Well he was in there and starting to prune when I went in to soap him up, and to my shock find floaters in the water. Yes, he pooped in the bath. YUCK. I was so grossed out I got him out and he finished his bath with a shower and a sit down on the potty which produced nothing. Well in my logic I figured he was done pottying. No. He walks into my bedrooms squats and pees on my floor. UGH so at this point i go to the other end of the house and grab a diaper and PJs assuming that he would have no more accident; however on my way back I find poo on my kitchen floor!!! UGH I just want to lose it at this point and I start laughing and get him dressed before he leaves me anymore "presents." It was total craziness.

So now ... let me start from the beginning. Its been a rough week, my birthday was Sunday and we are broke so I didn't get anything and I understand. I was still bummed and I have decided I was allowed to be, even if no one else agrees. Then I worked Tuesday night and got home at 630 and Alex decided he was going to get up early. So now I am running on little-to-no sleep with a toddler running around. He got to take out all his toys and not pick them up. Keep in mind, we were working on potty training which consisted of hourly (at least) trips to the bathroom. I was beat and grumpy and didn't want to do anything. Then I realized that I needed to make sure everything cleared the bank and i wasn't too badly over drawn. Well this most be a God blessing moment because I was over drawn, badly, but the house payment didn't get returned YAY.... But I had no money and the cell bill is due. So I, in my exhaustion, put it off until Thursday when Alltel chooses to inform me that I need over $500 (we are behind, long story including numerous fights with Alltel) to keep my service on because the last lady I talked to didn't put her notes on my account and thus the payment plan we worked out two weeks ago wasn't there and now I owed. Well after an hour of fighting, I told the lady I would see what I could do but not to plan on much because money doesn't grow on trees. I am not usually rude to people but when they can't do their jobs and screw me over I get rude and Lance says I use big words, so I probably did. So I went to verizon and switched phone services and have a new number for those who want/need it. Just let me know. The service isn't as good but my cell bill is $70 less a month so now I can pay off Alltel... joy.

Yesterday at work was slow but ok. I registered for school; they don't offer my major of Emergency Management and planning anymore so I changed back to nursing. Which I love but I have to figure out when I am done with my pre-req's how on earth am I going to take a year (well 10 months) off work for full time school and still pay the bills. But, for now, I am going to take this one day at a time and tackle my pre-reqs for the programs, get in and then plan from there. I feel this is what God really wants me to be doing with my life and I need to stay in the right path. Lance then calls me and tells me his mom is in the hospital; she was found passed out, breathing but unresponsive. Long story short on that: they admitted her last night and are doing tests on her heart. No one really knows what is going on and I don't know if they are asking some of the things I am to get answers that I understand with my medical background. So I will be patient and see what happens. I plan on going to see her after work tonight. Please pray.

On the last note for this never ending saga of the week.... Its a week where I have spent a lot of time looking into myself, my past, my relationships, being a mom, all of it. I am coming to terms with we live with the decisions we make, and we should live a no-regret life. If you search that term, tons of stuff comes up; many blogs for this mission to a no-regret life. Its easy to say and hard to live and when the past sometimes sneaks up on you whether it be through email, your own actions, dreams, God's message, whatever it may be; it needs to be faced. You can't get rid of friendships, memories, prayers, hopes, dreams, because there are challenges and road blocks in the way. This is true for nursing school for me.... I don't know that many of you know how hard I have been working and what I gave up when I graduated high school because I didn't have the money.... But sometimes I wonder...... I wouldn't change what I have now, don't get me wrong. I love my life for the most part, I love being a mom, I love it all. These challenges have bettered my relationships and helped me accept God and his path for me.

Technology

Today I decided that I actually like technology. I have been super bummed because I am going to be working Sunday DAYS so I can't go to church. Honestly, I LOVE church; the people, the message, the feeding into my heart with the word of the Lord, its GREAT. So not being able to go totally breaks my heart. Then, today I remembered that our Paston does podcasts! YAY now I can put them on my ipod and listen to them WITH Alex on the road. Maybe thats overly multitasking but thats what mom's do.

Also today, I got to snuggle with my son. I miss those moments from when they are infants ..... I wish I could cherish it all more but sometimes life gets in the way.....

Today...

So I keep promising myself I am going to start explaining myself better; to find an output somewhere somehow. This will be by no means anything intersting. Currently I am on the track to constistly betting my realtionship with God. Its easier said then done with countless difficulties and barriers laying in front of me. Each day I wake up and look to God for my strength to get through my day. I ask for patience, strength, and happiness. Somedays, as you would expect, are better than others.
I have a 19 month old little boy who makes the day AWESOME. Everyday something else is new to him and through being a mom I am discovering myself. I am in a serious relationship with his dad, but to my agony (at times) we are not married. He says hes not ready, I guess I will take it for whats its worth and enjoy being with him and in love. We are all but married, just not the actual MARRIAGE....It is what it is.