I guess its about time to update the world out there. Its been awhile since I've really tuned people in to as to what is truely going on in my life. Its been an interesting start to the year. Work issues, housing issues, money issues, nothing going right in regards to where I am supposed to be at. Therefore, I prayed and started looking for a new option. Then school fell into place, followed by housing and a better lifestyle and quality of life for Alex and I; so I am taking it. As of this weekend I will have moved to Pueblo. This is the one time that things feel truely right. Its going to be a challenge. But its a challenge God has handed me and essentially forced me to follow. In the last weeks I have bounced my rent check, among other bills, my landlord is talking about selling my rental, my job has been up in the air and I looked at God and asked, "ok now what?" And he has set this path out for me and I am walking it, with some fear, but with an open mind. I need a change, I need some optimism, and I need something ... I don't know what the something is but I know God knows....

Merry Christmas

I keep telling myself I am going to sit down and blog on a more regular basis. This never happens, no matter how good my intentions are. I used to LOVE to write, even contemplated making it my career. Who knows what happened to that passion? I still don’t. I like writing but just don’t seem to put the time into it anymore.

Anyway, that’s not even why I started this tonight. Tonight is Christmas Eve. How amazing that its that time of year again. I am not going to lie, I am glad its almost done though. Its been a rough holiday season. Alex’s dad had him tonight and I went to Christmas service. It was beautiful. It was a total reminder of what this time of year is all about.

Now, keep in mind, we wouldn’t have Christmas without Easter… interesting thought that keeps ping ponging around in my head.

We all hear the story of Christmas year in and year out with the holidays… its amazing. Can you imagine being Mary and having and ANGEL come to you and tell you your pregnant?! I would put myself in an institution, in seconds flat. I would think I was INSANE seeing an angel, hearing I am pregnant still being a virgin. Then take Joseph, seriously this man needs more credit and respect. His fiancée comes to him, tells him she’s pregnant with the Lord’s child and is still a virgin. Most men, in this day and age would have RUN for the hills so quick there wouldn’t even be dust left. However, he stayed with her, withstood the rumors and questioning looks, and became a father to God’s son. In this day and age that wouldn’t happen, at least in my opinion. Look at the population of single mom’s out there to start with. Then they travel and have no where to stay and Mary delivers in a manager non the less!! I think we have become all so accustomed to the way this is handled today it seems even more outlandish.

After service tonight, I walked out of the church feeling ready for Christmas. It was if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the Christmas spirit had replaced it. Now I am sitting here, sipping peppermint hot chocolate (my all time favorite) and making bread. Alex is on his way back with his daddy and Santa comes tonight. Christmas is exciting again with a two year old. He sees Santa and tells me “ho ho ho” and every time I plug in my Christmas lights he says “pretty.” Ahh, yes, the everyday reminders of the blessings of children.

Thankful Thursday

Some weeks it seems like are harder than other's to find things to be thankful for but there is ALWAYS something. I am alive, I have my baby, I am moving on with my life, I am truely blessed by the Lord and all the amazing things he has in store for me. This has been a rough week, I still don't like sharing my baby, I am trying to be in a semi-long distance (IE Farmington) relationship but we both work weird hours and it makes it difficult but God has his plan here (see, this morning I prayed for the guidence on how to deal with the distance and if it was really worth my emotions, 5 seconds after I finished, he called, talk about a sign).

Anyway, tonight I was kind of wallowing for no particular reason; just one of those moods and then signed in to check on all my bloggy friends. One of my friends has a cute little boy almost Alex's age who is fighting cancer. You can follow her blog here: http://logicalmommy.blogspot.com and her husbands blog here: http://musicaldaddy.blogspot.com. It makes all my worries and stress and issues feel like nothing. They are so greatful for the littlest things it reminds me of how precious life is. Please pray for them as they are in the hospital because he is sick and its so scary.

So this has been random tonight and I appologize for that; I truely hope it all made sense. Just remember, as we all struggle, God works in ways we may never understand or realize but if we listen, truely with our hearts, he is there and will get us through.

Oh and One more...

Thing I never thought I would say to Alex...

"NO I am not kissing your peepee. I know it hurts and I am sorry but I will NOT kiss it" To which her proceded to beg for kisses and we compromised on a kiss on the head. See... He was trying to get out of the bath by himself and straddled the bathtub side, slipped and hurt his peepee. Yea... that was awkward and a need a daddy momment around the house.

The World Accoding to Alex...

As my son approaches two, quickly I may add, the world has taken on a whole new window. So I am going to post things as I see it that he sees it:
~ If mom says no she really means yes
~ I really have until she gets UP when she is yelling at me to react
~ Putting Kitty in the heater vent is fun
~ The potty is a toy made for flushing
~ What Glass?? Oh this bowl I am not supposed to be playing with that came from the cabinet that I wasn't in?? I better go put it back....
~ Crayons are for walls
~ Its fun to hit my head on the washer and listen to the noise and then run to mommy and get a kiss and go back to it
~ Crayons are for eating
~ When its nap time, its play time and vice versa
~ At mommy's house we have no dogs, at daddy's house we have two dogs
~ I love "BHISH" (fish)
~ Snuggles are good, only on my terms
~ Lets see what we can make mommy say that she never thought she would say...

And to expand upon that last comment ... things Alex has made me say I never thought I would say:
~ DO not stab the Kitty with the knitting needles
~ Kitty doesn't belong in the heater vents
~ GET OUT of the cabinet
~ NO we do not flush (fill in the blank item here)
~ This is non-negotable
~ When/Where did you learn that?
~ Do not eat that (item has come from the floor of walmart)
~ What balls do you want? (yes and all the men in the store around me stared)
~ Do not head butt the clothing racks!
~ Please stay away from strangers, they may take you home
~ Do you want a spanking?! (To which he responds YES, loudly, in walmart and people stare)
~ We do not need to open our mouths to get/give kisses (especially with dogs)
~ Bugs are not food
~ Do NOT bite/lick my toes; thats GROSS
~ Yes, you must wear a butt in public (a butt is a diaper)

Well, I thought you would enjoy my early morning thoughts. Its been interesting sharing Alex now but I am getting used to it. Then he does the random things about and I am reminded at how special he is... Does anyone have any things to add to the "things I never thought I would say as a mother..."

Thankful Thursday

It seems as though, in my busy life now, I keep neglecting to take time to be thankful. In so many ways I feel guilty for that; but I am going to make a REAL effort to get back to being thankful.

This week I am thankful for ....
... Books
... Alex
... Re-learning relaxation techniques
... The Lord's unconditional love
... Friends
... Inner Strength
... Not giving up on myself
... CHURCH!!! I am making so much progress here!
... Knowing its ok to cry
... Going a day without crying
... The strength to accept the things I cannot change and to change the things I can

God's Word

I feel bad as I haven't written in a while but its taken me some time to adjust to everything new in my life. I have moved, learned I can't always have my son (which sucks), and am trying to find my next steps. To elaborate: I moved, bought furnature, realized I can put most of it together by myself and realized how much I miss a kitchen table. I am learning that Alex can't always be with me as he needs his daddy too, it hurts and its lonely alot, so I got a cat (see below for me on that), but I have Alex ALOT and he is so worth it. As for the next steps ... well that will get a paragraph (or two) below also.

I now have a three bedroom, two bath trailer to myself. WOW way more than what I needed but I knew it was the right one out of all the ones I looked at, and most importantly, it was CLEAN. I need clean. It doesn't look it right now but I will fix that after I get some sleep. Its weird being "alone." Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I am re-learning things I loved to do. I remember now I love hot baths with a good book and not having to share the TV remote. I hate sleeping by myself. Its hard going to family oriented situations and not having the daddy there, just thinking about that still brings tears to my eyes. I want Alex to see things normally, he will NOT miss out on anything based on this. Its not his fault his mommy and daddy aren't together. The alone thing is weird for me, I have always had a significant other or room mate(s) living with me. Therefore, I got a cat. I don't like cats; Alex is mean to them, I still got one. He named our cat "kitty"... so I have a cat, who cries all the time, who drives me crazy. What was I thinking?! Alex drags Kitty around by various body parts, puts her in tonka truck and takes her for rides, chases her, calls her, sets her free from the bathroom, and he has this evil laugh as he does all these things.

Recently, I have been learning and reacting and adapting to the life God has in mind for me. Its so hard sometimes, the biggest challenge he has ever given me that I am so happy to take on. I am learning he speaks to us when we least expect it and sometimes we don't understand the message. Othertimes it makes me cry and other times I cry for no reason. I am tired of crying just for the record. There are days when I have huge pity parties for myself but I don't know why. Yesterday was one of them; I spent a good part of the day crying and feeling bad for myself. Then I learned of another heath issue with a little boy whose mommy's blog I follow and it brought things back in check for me. Alex is heathy, happy, energetic, crazy, all these wonderful things; what reason do I have to mope???

I am amazed at the way God has chosen to communicate with me. Going back to church for me was the best decision I ever made. I love it there; its like a second home. I am working on becoming a member so follow me and support me and pray for me in this journey. To elaborate on the ways he speaks.... The bible has a part in it and I don't remember where but it discusses the value of the three phenonmon (IE three people suggest something it may be worth following through with). So as I have moved out, and am trying to move on, three people have suggested to me I ask a person who I will call "One" for the sake of this situation out. Well I am not really a shy person but I don't know how to ask people out. This is a matter I prayed on for awhile, thought I ways to approach One and numerous other things. Well tonight before work I was watching TV and had this urge to go grab my bible and read out of it at random. So I opened it to whatever pages my fingers lead me to. Interestingly, oddly, enough... the chapter of the book that I was lead to read also happened to be One's name. I am wondering and have alot of faith in the factor that this is God telling me to make a move in this direction. Its extremely humbling. I guess there are no other ways to throw something in my face but to put it in writing. Shocking, humbling, something there... any ideas?

More of God's word for you... Church... I am going to start doing children's ministry again. Thanks to Jen I am so flippin excited!! I had a tendency in the past to give up on things I love to do for myself very easily. I am not doing that anymore; I was more than willing to find an excuse so that I didn't have to do something I wanted because of another factor; MY bad. I refuse to do that! I am praying for the guidence from the Lord, at the suggestion of Jen, to start a small group aimed at single moms. I know it would be great to have other women, who face many of the daily challenges I do, to communicate with, to relate with and to grow in our relationships with the Lord with..

These are things that remind me that God has something so big and so amazing in store for me that I have to hit rock bottom before I can really, TRUELY appreciate what it is. I know God has amazing plans for me and I am going to do my best to follow these plans. Some days though, I have to ask, what is ROCK BOTTOM??