"For the Gentiles seek after all these things, for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." Matthew 6:32
The concept of father can be interpreted so many different ways. For me its been one that has been hard to deal with. My parents got divorced the summer I turned 13, my mom and I moved across county from Pennsylvania to Colorado in early August so that I could start school here. To say the least I wasn't thrilled. Then we had my now step-dad move in with us almost immediately. This was a huge growing process and transition for me.
Now let me give you some better history on this. My mom was a stay at home mom, my dad worked and made insane amounts of money, we were well off. However, my dad was not the easiest person to live with and he wasn't there very much. He worked long hours, loved to bar, and loved the drinking. I did sports, plays, you name it and he wasn't ever there. My birthday, being the 5th of July, was always combined with the 4th of July and also involved alcohol on his part. Things weren't always pleasant and I was frequently disappointed and had a fear of my dad and the belt. Then when my parents divorced, my brother wanted to stay with my dad and I wanted to be with my mom so it was an easy split on that nature. Then as time transgressed I remember my dad telling me how he helped with my brothers plays, school activities, and went to his events and I became more broken hearted as I was almost 2000 miles away and even when I was there I didn't have that.
My step-dad tried but I was different then his daughter and he had his inner doubts on my level of differentness. Her and I are polar opposites but he didn't quite know what to do with me. See, I am an over-achiever to the tops. A B in school was not good enough, a C was the end of the world, and we won't go to what happened after that. I did cheer leading, speech and debate, newspaper, national honor society, and the list goes on. I had to do everything PERFECTLY. This baffled my step-dad but he was there for the important parts: teaching me how to drive (let me tell you, I will have to blog just about that experiment), proms, special activities (he even judged a speech and debate competition once), tons of girl drama, and the list goes on. But it never felt like a father as I always figured it should be.
Then I moved out, turned down Columbia, and made a bad decision and got way off track. When I started to get back on track, I moved home for about six months, got my feet under me again, and then moved out again. I got together with Lance and he would DRAG me to church at times. At first, I am not going to lie, I HATED it. I was working in the ER from 2-12 and the last thing I wanted to do after a night of work was get up and go to church. Then I started to make friends at church and started LISTENING to the messages and the songs that were being relayed to me and I started to like it a little. Then Lance didn't want to go anymore and I just shrugged it off and accepted.
Then one Sunday in the later Winter of 2007 I decided I wanted to go. I had some rough shifts in the ER that put allot of weight on me. The message that day was about The Father. Not in the sense that originally comes to mind but of the Holy Father. This message brought a sense of "ahh" to me; a sense of relief and love and caring and all these concepts I NEVER understood before. Because, you see, I always thought of Father as my Dad and Step-Dad, when really my father was always there for me. He was there for me in my deepest depression, greatest happiness, biggest decisions, EVERYTHING. He was holding my hand in the dark, light, everything. How did I neglect this for so long?! I remember sitting there, in church, with empty chairs all around me, CRYING. I didn't even care I was crying in front of strangers because I realized that I had neglected my Father and forgot about him. It was at that moment, sitting in a church full of mostly strangers, that I wanted to live THE life. I wanted to walk with the Lord, to remember that even though my DAD wasn't there for me, my FATHER is and was. I walked out of church that day a new person.
About two weeks after I found the Lord to this level, I found out I was pregnant with Alex. How amazing is that?!
Now, some of you who know me WELL will know that this pouring out of my heart isn't coming from no where. It is also coming with a prayer request. My brother fell asleep at the wheel while driving last night. He has been working long, hard hours, trying to make a life for himself and pushed himself too far. I had talked to my dad earlier in the night and he told me he was afraid my brother would do this. Ironic isn't it. I told my brother that my dad told me this and my brother is so mad at our dad. He blames my dad for the accident because my dad never said he was worried or proud. Though, my dad isn't the best with words, maybe my brother isn't listening to the RIGHT Father. My brother has no religion, if anything, he is the opposite. I have been praying for him to find the Lord. Now I am asking for anyone who is taking the time to read this, to pray too. He needs it so badly. I hope he can have the acceptance for the Lord as I have and grow into the man he can be. My brother is ok, he broke his glasses, totalled his car, may lose his license, and he is shaken up and upset. Luckily the person he hit didn't get hurt, or hasn't reported any injuries yet. So again, I ask for you to pray.
Wow! Thanks for sharing all of that. I'm so glad that you can see that our earthly daddies will almost always let us down. But our heavenly one will never do that! Sometimes it's hard to know just who God is when we don't have a good example on earth. I pray that as you continue to seek God, He will continue to reveal Himself to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your brother had to go through that. I'm glad he's ok. Maybe this will open his eyes to One that is greater than he. I pray he will see!
What an amazing story. I am so glad that you have found your Daddy who adores you. I will be praying for your brother. I love you lady - you are amazing!
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