Thankful Saturday

It is officially thankful Saturday because Thankful Thursday doesn't seem to be working for me. Thursday's are jam packed with errands, chores, playing with Alex, and trying to relax before I come back to work, so its now going to be Thankful Saturday. This week has been a beautiful challenge. I know that doesn't make sense but I have done things I never imagined I would do. First the thankfuls:

• Friends .... I didn't realize how many friends I actually have until I hit a brick wall. One particular friend told me that sometimes you have to rely on your friends until everyone else comes around. So true. My friends have been AWESOME. Thank you God!
• Alex .... without his little quirks I would be lost. At night, every night, he gets insanely hyper. Its like crazy baby on the loose. He runs through my house and spins and screams and chasing the dogs with his tonka truck, he is a total riot. The best part is, since this is at the end of my day, its when I need the most stress relief.
• Laughter .... what more can I say to this? To sit back and have a good laugh is the best
• Alochol in moderation .... last night a good friend of mine who happens to be my co-worker and I say down had some drinks and TONS of laughter. It was definitely what I needed.
• God .... I know he works in mysterious ways and I still don't know which way he is working now but I am ready for it and willing to accept and face his challenges to me head on.

As for things I haven't done before:

• I mowed my lawn with a push gas mower for the first time in my life; I am proud of myself
• Relied on new friends and earned great friends
• Accepted it is what it is. I am guilty of always trying to change things so that they go my way; now I am learning the boundaries of some things I can't change and I have to accept them. Its a hard pill to swallow but its worth it. I don't think I have accepted this much in a long time.......

Thankful Thursday... On Friday

This has been one of those tough weeks, alot of news but nothing significant and alot of stress! As a result coming up for thankfuls is difficult:

• Being alive.... it seems so simple but it is so important. I love being here, being a mom, and even that stress I discussed.
• Honesty ... I am learning to be 100% honest with myself, even though I don't always like that.
• My God... he does things and acts in ways I never know and makes me so much stronger for it.

A Wedding

1 Peter 4:7 says " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

I usually try to blog on Saturday's. Its a good day for me to do so as I work all day alone and it gives me time to think, ponder and contemplate in beautiful silence (hopefully). Its been a good few days; all of Lance's family made it in safely, Alex is trying to be on good behaviour, and I am running on little sleep but I have tomorrow off.

Lance's dad gets married in about seven hours. Its a weird thing to digest: A parent getting married. My mom got remarried when I was 17 (I think, I remember I could drive at the time) and it was a shock to the system. I don't know how Lance feels about it to be honest. He's pulled into himself which means he is trying to cope. He is anti-touch which means he is struggling to some degree. I just have to live with it and take it as it comes.

To some degree this is hard for me too. I always thought I would be married. Lance and I are living together, sharing money, living the married life without the vows and me still with my dads last name. This usually doesn't bother me like it is today. Today, I want to cry about it, stomp my feet, make a scene, and generally act like Alex does when he doesn't get his way. I am holding back. Usually I am content knowing we are living the married LIFE; the faithfulness, love, caring, being there for one another, being parents, all that it entails but it drives me crazy!

Now, many of you who know me, know that I don't mind confrontation when necessary but this is not confrontation worthy and here is why: To ask about it causes a fight. It may not be a big one but it is definitly a rift that lasts for days. Why on earth would I want to live with that? Lance gets all grumpy with me about it. I hate it and its not worth it to me. He makes my life insane for that time until he gets over it.

When we first started dating Lance would openly discuss the fact he wanted to get married with me. Now, its a new cuss word. Go figure. This is one issue that is definitly in God's hands and I just pray and hope for the emotional stability I need to get through it.

Otherwise, all is good and I am taking on the world as it comes at me. Alex is going to be TWO in November. I don't know where its gone and it takes my breath away when I say my baby is 21 months! He is still behind on his language development and that has me worried but I am going to wait to start some intervention with him. They wanted him to start at 21 months and I just don't feel he is THAT far behind. I have convinced them to wait until he is two; who knows what th next three months may bring about. Another item, yet, in Gods hands.

I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday (as you read this, you will see where the stress is coming from). I found a lump in my breast that doesn't seem to be going away. We will see, I will pray, and I will have strength because that it what I must do.

Thankful Thursday

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

As the weekend rapidly approaches; one filled with family and fun, I realize how much there is to be thankful for, always. When things are obvious to give thanks for, we do, but often we forget the little things.

1) For being a mommy... on a daily basis Alex does things that amaze me. He is so sweet and loving and caring. We were walking from Lance's sisters house to his dads house (about a half block) and Alex let go of my hand to run back to get his great-grandma's hand to hold. It was so sweet and tender and innocent. He was so proud of himself. I could tell it meant so much to her and, of course, to me.

2) Safe travel.... Lance's family made it here safely. Please pray for all that are traveling.

3) The ability to bake ... I am so glad that I taught myself to bake. It has saved us so much money in the long run.

4) Life's little blessings... While Lance was on the way to meet me at the airport to get his Grandma, he saw a bed for free (in decent shape) on the side of the road. He stopped and grabbed it. We needed it for our spare room for company to stay on this weekend. YAY!! No more worries about that.

5) Love ... the love my family, Lance's family, and everyone has for one another. I fully belive love should be expressed more often, more openly, and with more feeling than it currently is. However, it is there and it is awsome.

Thank you GOD!

The Father Concept

"For the Gentiles seek after all these things, for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." Matthew 6:32

The concept of father can be interpreted so many different ways. For me its been one that has been hard to deal with. My parents got divorced the summer I turned 13, my mom and I moved across county from Pennsylvania to Colorado in early August so that I could start school here. To say the least I wasn't thrilled. Then we had my now step-dad move in with us almost immediately. This was a huge growing process and transition for me.

Now let me give you some better history on this. My mom was a stay at home mom, my dad worked and made insane amounts of money, we were well off. However, my dad was not the easiest person to live with and he wasn't there very much. He worked long hours, loved to bar, and loved the drinking. I did sports, plays, you name it and he wasn't ever there. My birthday, being the 5th of July, was always combined with the 4th of July and also involved alcohol on his part. Things weren't always pleasant and I was frequently disappointed and had a fear of my dad and the belt. Then when my parents divorced, my brother wanted to stay with my dad and I wanted to be with my mom so it was an easy split on that nature. Then as time transgressed I remember my dad telling me how he helped with my brothers plays, school activities, and went to his events and I became more broken hearted as I was almost 2000 miles away and even when I was there I didn't have that.

My step-dad tried but I was different then his daughter and he had his inner doubts on my level of differentness. Her and I are polar opposites but he didn't quite know what to do with me. See, I am an over-achiever to the tops. A B in school was not good enough, a C was the end of the world, and we won't go to what happened after that. I did cheer leading, speech and debate, newspaper, national honor society, and the list goes on. I had to do everything PERFECTLY. This baffled my step-dad but he was there for the important parts: teaching me how to drive (let me tell you, I will have to blog just about that experiment), proms, special activities (he even judged a speech and debate competition once), tons of girl drama, and the list goes on. But it never felt like a father as I always figured it should be.

Then I moved out, turned down Columbia, and made a bad decision and got way off track. When I started to get back on track, I moved home for about six months, got my feet under me again, and then moved out again. I got together with Lance and he would DRAG me to church at times. At first, I am not going to lie, I HATED it. I was working in the ER from 2-12 and the last thing I wanted to do after a night of work was get up and go to church. Then I started to make friends at church and started LISTENING to the messages and the songs that were being relayed to me and I started to like it a little. Then Lance didn't want to go anymore and I just shrugged it off and accepted.

Then one Sunday in the later Winter of 2007 I decided I wanted to go. I had some rough shifts in the ER that put allot of weight on me. The message that day was about The Father. Not in the sense that originally comes to mind but of the Holy Father. This message brought a sense of "ahh" to me; a sense of relief and love and caring and all these concepts I NEVER understood before. Because, you see, I always thought of Father as my Dad and Step-Dad, when really my father was always there for me. He was there for me in my deepest depression, greatest happiness, biggest decisions, EVERYTHING. He was holding my hand in the dark, light, everything. How did I neglect this for so long?! I remember sitting there, in church, with empty chairs all around me, CRYING. I didn't even care I was crying in front of strangers because I realized that I had neglected my Father and forgot about him. It was at that moment, sitting in a church full of mostly strangers, that I wanted to live THE life. I wanted to walk with the Lord, to remember that even though my DAD wasn't there for me, my FATHER is and was. I walked out of church that day a new person.

About two weeks after I found the Lord to this level, I found out I was pregnant with Alex. How amazing is that?!

Now, some of you who know me WELL will know that this pouring out of my heart isn't coming from no where. It is also coming with a prayer request. My brother fell asleep at the wheel while driving last night. He has been working long, hard hours, trying to make a life for himself and pushed himself too far. I had talked to my dad earlier in the night and he told me he was afraid my brother would do this. Ironic isn't it. I told my brother that my dad told me this and my brother is so mad at our dad. He blames my dad for the accident because my dad never said he was worried or proud. Though, my dad isn't the best with words, maybe my brother isn't listening to the RIGHT Father. My brother has no religion, if anything, he is the opposite. I have been praying for him to find the Lord. Now I am asking for anyone who is taking the time to read this, to pray too. He needs it so badly. I hope he can have the acceptance for the Lord as I have and grow into the man he can be. My brother is ok, he broke his glasses, totalled his car, may lose his license, and he is shaken up and upset. Luckily the person he hit didn't get hurt, or hasn't reported any injuries yet. So again, I ask for you to pray.